Awake

I woke up this morning and couldn’t get back to sleep. It’s three AM and everyone else was asleep. I sat down in the living room so the light of the computer won’t wake anyone else up.

I didn’t bother to turn on lights. So the windows were empty blackholes on shadowed walls. My mind swirled with the things going on in my life.

I want to quit my job. I have fantasized about doing so a time or two. The fantasies were more frequent contractions of change. My generally happiness has been marred by more and more episodes of unhappiness.

I know why I still have this job. It’s so I have enough mental energy to write at night. Or so I tell myself.

I know all the reasons I want out and really I know what I must do to make my escape. I’ve been taking slow placating steps in the process to be free.

The thing that stops me, is would I be free or would this be the same stuff different job? I bring my own baggage to each position. Patterns of behavior and people pleasing which ensure that eventually I end up in the same place.

Sitting awake in the house, wishing I’d win the lottery or had some other easy button.

What do you do when faced with something you want to change?